The Frenchman cannot see you

 

I am not by any means the first to notice and comment on the mysterious behavior of Frenchmen. It’s something of a legendary thing. “So incredibly rude” says one visitor, “so lazy” says another.” “They make me want to punch them” says the American, “lebensraum” says the German. Why did that Frenchmen stop his car right in front of me, get out and leave? Why is he holding up this line while talking to a friend? Slow people on the right for Christ sake, let me pass! How long do I have to wait for some fucking service around here? So rude!

All of these perspectives, while valid in their way, miss the mark. The Frenchman is not rude. The Frenchman cannot see you.

Literally. He cannot see you, at least not under normal circumstances, not the way you see him. His brain edits you out of the signal coming from his optic nerve. You do not exist. To him, there is only empty air, or perhaps a barely perceived physical blockage, a rock perhaps or a tree.

I know this theory sounds fantastic, but follow my reasoning and you will see it explains many of the phenomenon you will experience while traveling through France. 

But why, how could such a thing come about? My hypothesis is, that in a world so overly saturated with tourists, the ability to edit them out of the optic stream proved to be a survival characteristic. Frenchmen fully able to perceive this constant invasion of idiotic non French speaking morons became depressed, morose. They went off their cheese. They were less likely to reproduce. Other Frenchmen who were better able to subconsciously ignore the ravening hordes were happier, more genetically successful. Over the course of many generations, evolution did its thing and now we have bred Frenchmen who are physically incapable of perceiving other humans, at least most of the time. 

Consider the French waiter, a phenomenon for which up until now there existed no workable theory. You walk into his empty bistro. There is no hostess to seat you, why would there be, no one ever needs seating. You seat yourself. And you wait.

A group of waiters chat with eachother. They act like you aren’t there. No one brings you water or a menu?  Why? You aren’t there. At least not to them. The bistro is empty. 

You may well sit there for hours without being noticed. This can and does happen. But not usually. French bistros that hire French waiters that fully express this “can’t see you” trait will go out of business eventually. The owners of such places must have some mysterious method of selecting those who only partially manifest the characteristic. Frenchmen with a special talent for seeing you. Eventually. But it’s still very hard for them, fighting against all that breeding, like a one legged man running a marathon. 

After some period of time the gaze of a waiter swings toward you. Your existence impinges on his consciousness. Slowly at first, but then his eyes narrow, his mouth crinkles. He starts. Wait, a customer? They walk toward you. You are greeted.

There is no apology. How rude! But wait not really. To him you have just arrived, nothing to apologize for. 

The amount of time it takes for a Frenchman to notice your existence varies by Frenchman, but the sad fact is there is very little you can do to influence this. Can you force him to notice you? Absolutely. The trait has its limits, you can penetrate the fog through screaming for instance or physical intimidation. Throwing glassware works. However none of this is helpful. 

Consider what happens in these cases from the Frenchmen’s point of view. To him, a loud, angry American literally materializes in front of him, out of thin air. “Why is the American angry?” He asks himself. “Where did he come from? Is he here to kill me?” 

This is one reason why Frenchmen hate Americans so, to them we are strange supernatural incarnations of anger and bad French, rage monkeys that randomly appear out of thin air, waving a razor sharp broken wine glass under their nose and threatening to shank them unless they get service. 

It’s very traumatizing for the Frenchman. He doesn’t understand violence that isn’t associated with football or politics. It makes him anxious. He will take this out on you. Not directly, since angry Americans are considered highly dangerous. But passive aggressively. Your food will be later then if you did nothing. Or ….things may happen to it. 

Instead, to actually help the situation, first you must maintain your own calm, realizes the cycle you are in and go with it rather then fighting it. Yes your food will take forever. No there is no good reason why it should. This is reality. Occasionally when the Frenchman’s gazes crosses yours try to catch it. Smile reassuringly. No rapid movements, no waving. You will scare him. Relax your body, assume an unthreatening posture. Project that you are perfectly happy to wait here all night for a menu. Try to catch his gaze. Smile gently. Things will happen when they happen. Watch the slowly dawning recognition build over the next half hour until finally the light of comprehension breaks over the Frenchman’s face. 

“Bonjour!” he will exclaim happily. And you will have the satisfaction of knowing the Frenchman has seen you.

In addition to waiters this phenomenon explains much about France. The lack of public restrooms for example. At some point,  a government functionary, a Frenchmen walked those streets to access the need for restrooms. and he did not see a street teeming with tourists that need to shit or piss. He saw a quiet, empty boulevard. You are not here. None of you are here. No stalls needed. Perhaps he himself needed to piss at that particular instant. Ok then, but one stall is plenty.

You cannot directly fight any of this however you CAN work around it with technology. McDonalds has become especially adept at this. Consider a French McDonalds. You order via touchscreen. No Frenchmen needs to see you. The order goes to the kitchen where the Frenchmen are shepherded by computers, timers and bells to prepare your meal. They deliver the meal not to a person but to a large number on your table. At no time does any Frenchmen have to break that barrier and actually SEE you. To them, they deliver food to empty tables and the food mysteriously vanishes. Brilliant.

Ride share is similar. Hailing a French cab was formerly a process so laughably impossible as to be the stuff of legend. Now technology fills the gap. Many times the driver likely believes he is driving his empty car from point A to B but he doesn’t care, he’s getting paid. 

You can use this behavior to your advantage. Feel free to sit at a table and not order anything. Rule breaking in general seems to be recognized faster than the need for service but still it can take tens of minutes. Enjoy that. You are a ghost. 

But can Frenchmen perceive each other? Is this just a tourist thing? It’s a worthy question. The evidence is unclear but I believe the most likely answer is “under limited circumstances.” Or else it would be hard for there to be new Frenchmen if nothing else. They can certainly perceive close friends, wives, children. I have myself witnessed multiple instances of this. But Frenchmen they don’t know? It seems to be more haphazard. 

But perhaps this is true of all urbanites? Perhaps it is not unique to Frenchmen? After all, many city dwellers are considered rude. 

Consider New York as a counter example. New Yorkers have a world renown reputation for rudeness. However a New Yorker most certainly sees you. He recognizes your existence, it fill him with white hot rage. He hates you. He wants you dead, your village burnt your fields salted.  He may pretend like he does not see you, but this is just a stratagem to pursue your destruction. The average Frenchmen would not last five minutes on the streets of manhattan or god help him, New Jersey. He would be trampled to death by a gleeful mob of feet, body checked and stomped flat. And he would never even perceive what happened to himself. To him, the rocks and trees rose up to crush him.