Death and the Alice Sisters
Excerpts from "Tales of Alice" by Rufus the Well Travelled
It came to pass one day (on Black Alice’s 100th birthday as a matter of fact) that Death arrived on her cottage doorstep. Since even Death had heard of Black Alice, he made special effort to present himself well, taking the form of a distinguished older gentleman with greying hair and wearing somber but expensive clothes in an impeccable style. He was armed with a suitably exotic accent. And a cane. It was made of some expensive black wood and had a silver knob on it. He knocked on the door politely, because while he could freely enter any building he liked, he valued etiquette.
Black Alice answered the door. Because she was Black Alice she knew immediately who was standing there, of course.
“Well, hmph. Fancy seeing you here. Didn’t plan on company today. I suppose you should come in and have a cup of tea” she grumbled, ushering him inside.
She already had a pot brewing on the fireplace, so she and Death sat down across from one another in the two wooden chairs, at the small plain table that was practically the only furniture in the place. Soon they were enjoying their tea. The tea was excellent. Really quite good.
“My” said Death, “that was the best cup of tea I have had in many a year, I thank you for that and for your hospitality. However, much as I hate to say, I’m afraid your time is up and you must come with me”.
Death looked apologetic. It had been a very good cup of tea and he felt badly about how he was returning the favor.
“Go? Go where?” said Black Alice
“Well my good lady, it’s your time to die you see. Everyone has their time after all, and you have lived a hundred years, which is many more than most humans get.”
“Die?” said Black Alice. “What now? In my kitchen and with the bread baking? I think not. What a mess that would make and besides I have much I need to see too, this day, and in general. No, no time for dying just now. Thank you for the offer though.”
Death was becoming a little disconcerted. He certainly was used to people not wanting to die. That was pretty standard actually. It usually came with the crying and the teeth gnashing and sometimes the bargaining. Occasionally someone challenged him to a game of chess and that was fine because he liked chess and he almost always won. Once in a while there was the annoying lover who tried to follow him back to the Underworld and rescue their object of affection. He hated that. And then there were the damn holy men, who occasionally came back from the dead for no good reason. But really it all sorted itself out eventually if you waited long enough, no use fretting.
What he wasn’t used to was someone calmly telling him “no” with a slightly annoyed look as if he was some door-to-door peddler hawking some unneeded wares.
He gathered himself together and fixed Black Alice with his very best deathly glare,
“My dear lady, I’m sorry but this is really not optional. Your fate is woven by the, well the Fates if you must know. Thread snipped, off to the afterlife and all that”
Black Alice glared right back at him. They locked eyes. There were sparks
“I know all about the Fates, they tried to offer that job to my sisters and I. Didn’t take it. Never could abide weaving. And besides you know who woulda been stuck being the old one”
It was Death that looked away first. He said weakly “But your name is in the book of Fate. It very clearly says today”
“What book?” said Alice. “I didn’t make any appointment”
“It’s not exactly YOU that makes these appointments dear lady” said Death
“Let’s just see here” said Black Alice slamming Death’s book of Fate down on the table (which she had somehow acquired, gods know how), rattling the china. She opened it and started ruffling through it, while Death sat there with his mouth hanging open trying to figure out how she had gotten his book. She ran her fingers down the lines of the ledger, written in the first angelic tongue before the creation of the stars.
“There you see. Don’t say Black Alice at all. Just says ‘Alice’. One of my sisters must have made that appointment. You should go ask them, the silly hens”
“It’s not an appointm..well I guess it is but you don’t make it you see, it’s more made for you…”
Death beant over the table and read the entry upside down. Sure enough, next to today's date, it only said “Alice”. He could have sworn it said “Black Alice” before. He was certain
Black Alice sat back looking satisfied with herself. “There. Now that’s sorted, would you like another cup of tea before you go? For the road?”
Death was feeling out of sorts as he strode through the Dungeon of Doom heading to Red Alice’s private chamber. Of course he was completely invisible to all of the creatures and spirits of the place. But he didn’t like the Dungeon of Doom. While everything that was going on here was technically within the Law, he didn’t approve. He considered the whole thing rather untidy and unhygienic. Dead people should stay dead for starters, anything else was just extra work for everyone. But still, there was an entry in his book, and so an Alice needed to go back with him. Since the other one was being difficult (and frankly a little scary) he might as well take Red Alice. She was generally considered the weakest of the three anyway, and besides she was so out of her head most of the time she might not even notice dying.
The music was very loud in Red Alice’s chamber. There was much bass. Death winced at the racket. It’s not that he didn’t like music, he was actually a great appreciator of music. Nothing like a nice concerto or a symphony. But this music, this was not at all his style. Too loud, too boisterous, too untidy.
Red Alice was sitting on a sofa drawing smoke from a tube attached to some large urn-like thing and giggling to herself, while her friends lounged around the room similarly imbibing various substances. Some of them were dancing very vigorously. Death walked over to her.
“Hello my dear. Time to go”.
Not his most gentle or sophisticated entrance but he was in a hurry and a little annoyed.
Red Alice giggled and did a double take, trying to figure out whether he was an hallucination no doubt.
“Look gang, it’s the big D”. She started laughing uncontrollably. "Somebody's fucked today."
“Indeed. Your time has come. Time to go”.
“Go where? Is it far Dad? Are we there yet” said Red Alice.
She laughed and blew smoke in his face
Death took a deep breathe
“Look, Alice” he said. “All our times will come. I realize it’s probably not what you wanted to hear today, but you don’t need to fear. Just take my hand”
He offered his hand
Alice did not take not his hand
“Are we ready to fly?” she said. Her eyes momentarily crossed. “I can SEE the chords”
Death didn’t exactly know what to do with that one. He fell back on somber inevitability, which generally worked well for him.
Red Alice's face suddenly lost its laughter, becoming deeply introspective. She hummed to herself. “That’s awesome. So deep” She considered for a second while her eyes gradually crossed again. “Needs more cowbell though” she stated and then collapsed into another fit of hysterical giggles
Death was becoming seriously peeved. The first Alice was bad enough but at least she was polite and had given him tea. This was insufferable. He drew his pocket watch out and checked the time. He was late. He was never late. He was the very definition of not being late. He was done with this nonsense. He was Death, god damn it people needed to start treating him with the appropriate respect.
“YOU. WILL. COME. WITH. ME. NOW!” he boomed, as he dropped his human guise and let his true form manifest, crashing the butt of his scythe on the ground. Sparks flew. He was gigantic. Bigger than the room. Bigger than the mountains. Bigger than the planet. And utterly mind shatteringly terrible. The lights went purple.
Death and Black Alice
It came to pass one day (on Black Alice’s 100th birthday as a matter of fact) that Death arrived on her cottage doorstep. Since even Death had heard of Black Alice, he made special effort to present himself well, taking the form of a distinguished older gentleman with greying hair and wearing somber but expensive clothes in an impeccable style. He was armed with a suitably exotic accent. And a cane. It was made of some expensive black wood and had a silver knob on it. He knocked on the door politely, because while he could freely enter any building he liked, he valued etiquette.
Black Alice answered the door. Because she was Black Alice she knew immediately who was standing there, of course.
“Well, hmph. Fancy seeing you here. Didn’t plan on company today. I suppose you should come in and have a cup of tea” she grumbled, ushering him inside.
She already had a pot brewing on the fireplace, so she and Death sat down across from one another in the two wooden chairs, at the small plain table that was practically the only furniture in the place. Soon they were enjoying their tea. The tea was excellent. Really quite good.
“My” said Death, “that was the best cup of tea I have had in many a year, I thank you for that and for your hospitality. However, much as I hate to say, I’m afraid your time is up and you must come with me”.
Death looked apologetic. It had been a very good cup of tea and he felt badly about how he was returning the favor.
“Go? Go where?” said Black Alice
“Well my good lady, it’s your time to die you see. Everyone has their time after all, and you have lived a hundred years, which is many more than most humans get.”
“Die?” said Black Alice. “What now? In my kitchen and with the bread baking? I think not. What a mess that would make and besides I have much I need to see too, this day, and in general. No, no time for dying just now. Thank you for the offer though.”
Death was becoming a little disconcerted. He certainly was used to people not wanting to die. That was pretty standard actually. It usually came with the crying and the teeth gnashing and sometimes the bargaining. Occasionally someone challenged him to a game of chess and that was fine because he liked chess and he almost always won. Once in a while there was the annoying lover who tried to follow him back to the Underworld and rescue their object of affection. He hated that. And then there were the damn holy men, who occasionally came back from the dead for no good reason. But really it all sorted itself out eventually if you waited long enough, no use fretting.
What he wasn’t used to was someone calmly telling him “no” with a slightly annoyed look as if he was some door-to-door peddler hawking some unneeded wares.
He gathered himself together and fixed Black Alice with his very best deathly glare,
“My dear lady, I’m sorry but this is really not optional. Your fate is woven by the, well the Fates if you must know. Thread snipped, off to the afterlife and all that”
Black Alice glared right back at him. They locked eyes. There were sparks
“I know all about the Fates, they tried to offer that job to my sisters and I. Didn’t take it. Never could abide weaving. And besides you know who woulda been stuck being the old one”
It was Death that looked away first. He said weakly “But your name is in the book of Fate. It very clearly says today”
“What book?” said Alice. “I didn’t make any appointment”
“It’s not exactly YOU that makes these appointments dear lady” said Death
“Let’s just see here” said Black Alice slamming Death’s book of Fate down on the table (which she had somehow acquired, gods know how), rattling the china. She opened it and started ruffling through it, while Death sat there with his mouth hanging open trying to figure out how she had gotten his book. She ran her fingers down the lines of the ledger, written in the first angelic tongue before the creation of the stars.
“There you see. Don’t say Black Alice at all. Just says ‘Alice’. One of my sisters must have made that appointment. You should go ask them, the silly hens”
“It’s not an appointm..well I guess it is but you don’t make it you see, it’s more made for you…”
Death beant over the table and read the entry upside down. Sure enough, next to today's date, it only said “Alice”. He could have sworn it said “Black Alice” before. He was certain
Black Alice sat back looking satisfied with herself. “There. Now that’s sorted, would you like another cup of tea before you go? For the road?”
Death and Red Alice
Death was feeling out of sorts as he strode through the Dungeon of Doom heading to Red Alice’s private chamber. Of course he was completely invisible to all of the creatures and spirits of the place. But he didn’t like the Dungeon of Doom. While everything that was going on here was technically within the Law, he didn’t approve. He considered the whole thing rather untidy and unhygienic. Dead people should stay dead for starters, anything else was just extra work for everyone. But still, there was an entry in his book, and so an Alice needed to go back with him. Since the other one was being difficult (and frankly a little scary) he might as well take Red Alice. She was generally considered the weakest of the three anyway, and besides she was so out of her head most of the time she might not even notice dying.
The music was very loud in Red Alice’s chamber. There was much bass. Death winced at the racket. It’s not that he didn’t like music, he was actually a great appreciator of music. Nothing like a nice concerto or a symphony. But this music, this was not at all his style. Too loud, too boisterous, too untidy.
Red Alice was sitting on a sofa drawing smoke from a tube attached to some large urn-like thing and giggling to herself, while her friends lounged around the room similarly imbibing various substances. Some of them were dancing very vigorously. Death walked over to her.
“Hello my dear. Time to go”.
Not his most gentle or sophisticated entrance but he was in a hurry and a little annoyed.
Red Alice giggled and did a double take, trying to figure out whether he was an hallucination no doubt.
“Look gang, it’s the big D”. She started laughing uncontrollably. "Somebody's fucked today."
“Indeed. Your time has come. Time to go”.
“Go where? Is it far Dad? Are we there yet” said Red Alice.
She laughed and blew smoke in his face
Death took a deep breathe
“Look, Alice” he said. “All our times will come. I realize it’s probably not what you wanted to hear today, but you don’t need to fear. Just take my hand”
He offered his hand
Alice did not take not his hand
“Are we ready to fly?” she said. Her eyes momentarily crossed. “I can SEE the chords”
Death didn’t exactly know what to do with that one. He fell back on somber inevitability, which generally worked well for him.
Red Alice's face suddenly lost its laughter, becoming deeply introspective. She hummed to herself. “That’s awesome. So deep” She considered for a second while her eyes gradually crossed again. “Needs more cowbell though” she stated and then collapsed into another fit of hysterical giggles
Death was becoming seriously peeved. The first Alice was bad enough but at least she was polite and had given him tea. This was insufferable. He drew his pocket watch out and checked the time. He was late. He was never late. He was the very definition of not being late. He was done with this nonsense. He was Death, god damn it people needed to start treating him with the appropriate respect.
“YOU. WILL. COME. WITH. ME. NOW!” he boomed, as he dropped his human guise and let his true form manifest, crashing the butt of his scythe on the ground. Sparks flew. He was gigantic. Bigger than the room. Bigger than the mountains. Bigger than the planet. And utterly mind shatteringly terrible. The lights went purple.
All the mortals in the room died instantly, brains overloaded, their eyes burned from their sockets, their hair instantly gone white.
The music stopped.
Red Alice, a trifle unsteadily got to her feet. She gazed around at her room littered with dead groupies. She looked annoyed more than anything When she opened her mouth, the syllables that came out were strange and arcane. And old.
Death understood her perfectly though. He'd heard that language before.
“Don’t get all salty on me, Death, you bastard” she said. “You’re really starting to ruin my buzz, you fucker. That pisses me off, You need to leave. GetTheHellOut. Now”
She sat/fell back down on her sofa abruptly
It’s hard for Death in his true form to get any more pale than he already was, but he managed it. She was speaking the language of creation itself, that had been spoken before the Universe was formed. The language that called all of realty into being. And that was his NAME she had just said right after she said he was salt and before she called him a bastard. His true name. The name that had only ever been uttered once in all the many eons of the universe. Uttered only at the time of creation by the Creator God himself. The name that a human should not have even been able to form in their mind without going insane and exploding messily, much less speak, or even know. How in the nine hells...
Names had power, one of the few things that had power over such things as him. Death stood there for a moment and then he did the prudent thing. He got the hell out of there
“And that, your majesty is why I came to you” said Death as he walked with White Alice on the battlements of her highest tower in her capital city, far to the uttermost east. The city glittered like a jewel below, all white and silver towers, battlements, and billowing pennants, white docks kissing against the blue eastern ocean, stretching as far as the eye could see. Beyond it, he knew spread her empire, the mightiest this world had ever known
“You were always the most reasonable one. The good one. The not-clinically-insane one. I have this name in my book. Someone needs to come with me. It’s the way things are done. It’s the LAW of things. Surely you understand?”
White Alice turned toward Death, clad in all beauty and power. Love goddesses the world over gnashed their teeth in jealousy, gave up and went home. She was so striking that even Death was struck.
The music stopped.
Red Alice, a trifle unsteadily got to her feet. She gazed around at her room littered with dead groupies. She looked annoyed more than anything When she opened her mouth, the syllables that came out were strange and arcane. And old.
Death understood her perfectly though. He'd heard that language before.
“Don’t get all salty on me, Death, you bastard” she said. “You’re really starting to ruin my buzz, you fucker. That pisses me off, You need to leave. GetTheHellOut. Now”
She sat/fell back down on her sofa abruptly
It’s hard for Death in his true form to get any more pale than he already was, but he managed it. She was speaking the language of creation itself, that had been spoken before the Universe was formed. The language that called all of realty into being. And that was his NAME she had just said right after she said he was salt and before she called him a bastard. His true name. The name that had only ever been uttered once in all the many eons of the universe. Uttered only at the time of creation by the Creator God himself. The name that a human should not have even been able to form in their mind without going insane and exploding messily, much less speak, or even know. How in the nine hells...
Names had power, one of the few things that had power over such things as him. Death stood there for a moment and then he did the prudent thing. He got the hell out of there
Death and White Alice
“And that, your majesty is why I came to you” said Death as he walked with White Alice on the battlements of her highest tower in her capital city, far to the uttermost east. The city glittered like a jewel below, all white and silver towers, battlements, and billowing pennants, white docks kissing against the blue eastern ocean, stretching as far as the eye could see. Beyond it, he knew spread her empire, the mightiest this world had ever known
“You were always the most reasonable one. The good one. The not-clinically-insane one. I have this name in my book. Someone needs to come with me. It’s the way things are done. It’s the LAW of things. Surely you understand?”
White Alice turned toward Death, clad in all beauty and power. Love goddesses the world over gnashed their teeth in jealousy, gave up and went home. She was so striking that even Death was struck.
“Oh yes” she said agreeably.” I am a firm, firm believer in people doing things the right way. Can you imagine what would happen if people didn’t do the right thing? Obey the laws of their kings and their gods? Follow a strict moral code? If we let them not do that? It would be anarchy. It would be untidy. Oh no, we mustn’t have that. Not even a little. We mustn’t allow that. At all.”
Death found himself agreeing with her.
She looked at Death with a sympathetic eye and patted his hand. Deep down inside Death knew that White Alice understood. That White Alice only wanted what was best and right for him. For everyone. For the world. Forever.
“Lets see that book of yours dear, I’m sure there is some mistake. I don’t feel the least bit dead” she laughed prettily.
Death offered up his book
“Why yes, look right here, see you silly goose you have misread the date. You have gotten the date wrong. Your appointment with us is not for another hundred years”
Death looked and saw that he had indeed misread the date. That he had gotten the date wrong. The appointment was indeed not for another hundred years. How strange. What a mistake he had made, How embarrassing.
“Don’t worry dear we all make them” said White Alice sympathetically. “Well, most other people make them anyway, I’ve noticed”
Death felt much better. He felt so relieved. White Alice understood and forgave him.
White Alice smiled sweetly. “So that’s all sorted then” she said. “When a hundred years have passed, then by all means come find me and we will discuss this more”.
Death agreed, that sounded perfectly reasonable
“And in the meantime “ White Alice said with a coquettish smile. “Since I have cleared that up for you and done you a favor, perhaps it would not be impertinent for me to ask one of you in return? There are these untidy people you see, who just won’t see things the right way...”
Death did not think that would be impertinent, not in the least
Death found himself agreeing with her.
She looked at Death with a sympathetic eye and patted his hand. Deep down inside Death knew that White Alice understood. That White Alice only wanted what was best and right for him. For everyone. For the world. Forever.
“Lets see that book of yours dear, I’m sure there is some mistake. I don’t feel the least bit dead” she laughed prettily.
Death offered up his book
“Why yes, look right here, see you silly goose you have misread the date. You have gotten the date wrong. Your appointment with us is not for another hundred years”
Death looked and saw that he had indeed misread the date. That he had gotten the date wrong. The appointment was indeed not for another hundred years. How strange. What a mistake he had made, How embarrassing.
“Don’t worry dear we all make them” said White Alice sympathetically. “Well, most other people make them anyway, I’ve noticed”
Death felt much better. He felt so relieved. White Alice understood and forgave him.
White Alice smiled sweetly. “So that’s all sorted then” she said. “When a hundred years have passed, then by all means come find me and we will discuss this more”.
Death agreed, that sounded perfectly reasonable
“And in the meantime “ White Alice said with a coquettish smile. “Since I have cleared that up for you and done you a favor, perhaps it would not be impertinent for me to ask one of you in return? There are these untidy people you see, who just won’t see things the right way...”
Death did not think that would be impertinent, not in the least
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